


Make Up Your Heart

by FallingLikeThis



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Boys Kissing, Friends to Lovers, I hate tagging, M/M, Reconciliation, Sad Louis, So much angst, Zayn leaving, ish, man i don't know, naughty boy is mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-31
Updated: 2015-10-31
Packaged: 2018-04-29 05:55:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5117882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FallingLikeThis/pseuds/FallingLikeThis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em> You know that saying? Something about not knowing what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Yeah, well fucking fuck that shit, okay?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>It’s hard enough losing something, someone, without having that piece of shit sentiment thrown at you from every angle as you grieve. Or punch things. Louis has a tendency to punch things. Or kick things. Like his football. Only he imagines it’s Zayn’s stupid, beautiful, disloyal face.</em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Make Up Your Heart

**Author's Note:**

  * For [manybumblebees](https://archiveofourown.org/users/manybumblebees/gifts).



> To my prompter: I totally wanted to write your hockey fic but all I know about hockey I learned from The Cutting Edge. I didn't really have the time to do the research required. I have 500 words of a fic started and when I get time to finish it, I'll gift that to you too. 
> 
> Title from "What Do You Mean?" By Justin Bieber.

You know that saying? Something about not knowing what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone?

Yeah, well fucking fuck _that_ shit, okay?

It’s hard enough losing something, some _one_ , without having _that_ piece of shit sentiment thrown at you from every angle as you grieve. Or punch things. Louis has a tendency to punch things. Or kick things. Like his football. Only he imagines it’s Zayn’s stupid, beautiful, disloyal _face_.

When Louis runs out of steam, he slinks down in a corner, knees drawn to his chest and tries to catch his breath.

_How could Zayn just leave them? Leave_ him _? They were partners in crime._

Thinking about it without some kind of physical outlet just makes it that much harder for Louis to breathe, his throat tight with tears he refuses to shed. If Zayn can leave them so easily, he doesn’t deserve Louis’ stupid tears.

On some level, he’d always known that Zayn’s heart wasn’t as far in it as everyone else’s. Hell, there had been days when Louis had wanted to quit, too. He thinks they’ve all had at least one or two of those days. Even Niall. Even Harry, who thrives on the love and support that he both receives and has the opportunity to share. Harry was _made_ for this life. Zayn, maybe not so much but Louis never would have believed that he’d just up and abandon them.

Except he has. And Louis is more than a little bereft.

He shakes with it, the frustration and the dejection. It was no secret that Zayn didn’t like how things were done, both with their management and their marketing. He was tired of being branded as some brainless boyband that was only capable of catering to pre-teen girls. Zayn had hated that aspect of their careers, so it shouldn’t have been the total shock that it was when Zayn had announced he was leaving.

They hadn’t even talked about it together, he had just _decided_. He was leaving and no one could stop him. Louis didn’t know if he’d ever forgive Zayn for that. He hadn’t even hinted to Louis that something was wrong.

In retrospect, Louis should have seen it though. He should have known it was coming. Zayn had been skipping appearances, he’d been quieter in interviews. His smile was never quite as genuine when they were in front of a crowd or in an interview as it was when they were alone. He’d saved his real smiles for Louis and the other boys, maybe that’s why Louis had thought that things would still be okay. Because he still got to see the parts of Zayn that he held back from the rest of the world.

It wasn’t until Zayn was gone that Louis realized just how much he needed the other boy. When his anger got the better of him, when he needed an outlet for his energy, Zayn had been there to join him in some form of mischief that left Louis feeling relieved. He’d been there to complain to about things that the other boys just wouldn’t understand. Now, there’s a hole in Louis’ life that the other boys just can’t seem to fill no matter how hard they try.

Harry is great. He’s still the one Louis is closest to. He’s a little ashamed to say that he had been letting Zayn claim the spot that Harry used to hold as his best mate, especially now. Because Harry is still at his side and Zayn has fucking run away. Harry’s supportive and sympathetic. He can still make Louis smile like no one else. But he’s also kind of makes Louis feel guilty because the boy doesn’t have a mean bone in his body and Louis has a mean streak a mile wide if you catch him in the right mood. Zayn could match him cruelty for cruelty and that made him feel a bit better about himself, that he wasn’t the only one that had that darkness inside.

Niall is wonderful, too. He hasn’t changed a bit since the day Louis met him, except maybe for a growth in confidence. He’s always been a fun, calming presence in the group. And he still seems to think the sun shines out of Louis’ arse despite the aforementioned mean streak, so that’s a bonus. He never fails to make Louis feel like he’s flying, because Niall loves him as he is even if he _is_ an arsehole 40% of the time.

Liam is… harder to put a label on. He and Louis still butt heads occasionally. It’s never anything major and it doesn’t last more than a day or so. Because while he’s still the responsible one, he’s also become the one that gets into trouble with Louis on a fairly regular basis. While Harry is there to listen when Louis is hurting and Niall is there to make Louis feel good about himself, Liam is there doing what he can to make Louis feel the loss of Zayn just a little bit less. Liam and Zayn were almost as close as Louis and Zayn were and Louis thinks maybe he and Liam need each other just a bit more because of it. Because maybe they feel his absence a little more acutely than the others. He doesn’t exactly try to fill the space that Zayn left behind but he does try to make it less noticeable, smaller maybe. Louis loves him for it, but doesn’t tell Liam that it’s not going to work. And it’s not. Because Louis won’t let it. If he lets Liam make the hole any smaller and Zayn miraculously comes back to them, he won’t fit there anymore. Louis doesn’t like to think about it, but he can’t let that happen.

Louis bangs his head back against the wall behind him and curses to himself. He misses Zayn so fucking much. And what’s worse, Louis thinks he’s maybe a little bit in love with the boy that’s already broken his heart in so many ways.

Fucking heart.

 

~@~

 

Of course, Liam has to be the one who finds him. As much as they lean on each other, Louis thinks the mere thought of why they need each other the most also has them unwittingly hurting each other when Zayn is the last thing they want to be thinking of.

He does his best to give Liam a grateful smile when he sits down next to Louis.

Liam doesn’t say anything, he’s learned over the years that Louis can’t be coaxed into talking about what’s troubling him. You just have to wait him out. He’ll talk when he’s ready.

Louis burrows into the arm Liam throws around his neck, resting his head on Liam’s shoulder. Liam rests his head on Louis’, taking a deep breath and letting it go and Louis knows that he’s already guessed what’s got Louis so torn up. Or _who_ , at least.

They sit like that for a few minutes, letting the silence speak for them. Liam’s never been the greatest with silence though, so it doesn’t hold for long.

“It’ll get better,” he says. Louis wonders who he’s trying to convince more.

“I know, Li,” Louis returns quietly. He does know. He knows all too well how the pain gradually fades to a dull ache when people leave. He’s had plenty of practice. It’ll fade but it’ll never completely dissipate into nothing. It’ll linger, always at the edge of his heart. Always making itself known when he least wants it to.

Liam looks down at Louis, sad smile on his lips. “Think you’re ready to head back?”

_No_.

“I suppose so,” Louis answers, letting Liam drag him to his feet. He doesn’t let go of Liam’s hand once they’re both standing, holding tight as they head back to rehearsals.

Liam lets him without saying a word, squeezing his fingers once in commiseration, or maybe reassurance.

Louis appreciates it more than he’ll ever say.

The others greet him with a mix of relief and pity. If Louis had the energy, he’d resent those looks but instead he takes the stage next to Liam. He tries to push through the pain in his chest as they relearn their choreography, trying and failing to remember to fill in the gaps where Zayn belongs.

_Used to_. Used to belong. He’s got no place here anymore. And Louis hates him a little for it.

Stupid fucking broken heart.

 

~@~

In the aftermath of Zayn leaving, Louis may possibly go a little nuts trying to prove to himself that he doesn’t need him.

He gets papped in Brazil with a girl whose name he never bothered to learn. There are rumors of him with a lot of other girls too. They’re mostly true, except he never takes any of them back to his room. They smile a certain way or say just the wrong thing and have him running. Trace their hands over his tattoos and get him remembering. His mind full of the one thing he’s seeking solace from, he suddenly needs to get away. It takes so little to get him thinking of Zayn and he always ends up back in his room. A quivering mess. All alone.

 

~@~

 

They fight a bit over Twitter and Louis will never admit that he’s jealous of how close _his_ Zayn has gotten to that shady fuck, Shahid. Everyone but Zayn can clearly see that he doesn’t have Zayn’s best interests at heart. He only cares about getting his own name out there and using a former member of the most famous boyband in the world is a good way to do it. _Why can’t Zayn see that?_

Louis is miserable and wretched to be around for days afterward.

Harry’s the only one who doesn’t avoid him because Harry’s the only one that knows how to deal with him when he’s like this. Well, Harry and… you know. Louis tries not to think about how different their methods are and just find comfort in Harry’s endless patience with him.

Harry gives him endless cuddles and doesn’t fire back when Louis says something cutting. He knows not to take it personally. Louis could never actually mean the insults he throws at his boys, he’s just not very good at hurting. No matter how much practice he’s had at it.

 

~@~

 

In the end, it’s Niall that does the unthinkable. He reaches out to Zayn, buries the hatchet, and attempts to move forward with their friendship. Liam and Harry follow in quick succession, bandaging up the old wounds and attempting to forget. Still, Louis hesitates. Zayn left him once, he doesn’t want to give him the chance to do it again. Especially now that he’s admitted his feelings to himself. He doesn’t want to give Zayn the chance to make him love him even more only to leave him again. Because even if Louis lets his wounds heal, the scars will always remind him. He’ll never be able to forget this feeling. And he hates this feeling.

 

~@~

 

It’s in a moment of weakness, drunk and sullen, that Louis finally calls him.

“’Lo?” Zayn answers, voice heavy with sleep.

“Ha!” Louis woke him up from his precious sleep, _take that_ you selfish fucker.

“Louis?” Zayn asks, voice crackling over the line. Louis is certain that it’s just static because it couldn’t possibly be Zayn’s voice breaking. Because there’s no way that Zayn has possibly thought about Louis every moment they’ve been apart. There’s no way that Zayn loves Louis like Louis loves Zayn. He fucking abandoned him. You don’t abandon people you actually love, Zayn. You just don’t.

Louis doesn’t know when his thoughts started spilling from his mouth but he knows they have because he’s crying and Zayn’s telling him to ‘breathe, Louis’.

Louis _is_ breathing. Heavy, choking sobs but he’s breathing.

“I fucking hate crying, you prick. And I haven’t been able to stop since…” Louis trails off, suddenly unable to say it.

“Louis,” Zayn says mournfully.

And that just pushes Louis to say it, he’s so angry and lonely and depressed and he just wants Zayn to feel what he feels.

“You left me.” As angry as he is, the best he can afford himself is a whisper.

“I’m sorry, Louis. I just wasn’t happy. I couldn’t stay in that environment. It was so fucking oppressive and I couldn’t take it anymore.”

“I’m sorry, too, Zayn. I’m sorry you weren’t happy, but you don’t just _leave_ like that. You talk about it, you let people know how you’re feeling and let them help you. Zayn, you think we wouldn’t have been on your side if you told us you’d wanted to leave? I’m _always_ on your side,” Louis informs him.

Zayn sighs. “I know, Lou. I know, I just… I guess it was cowardly but I didn’t want to see your faces when I told you. And I didn’t want to give you the chance to talk me out of it because we both know that if anyone could, Lou, it would be you.”

Louis supposes he understands Zayn’s argument but he still hates it.

“I miss you, Z,” Louis breathes out, wiping his cheeks as his tears finally seems to be drying up.

“I miss you, too, Louis,” Zayn answers and there’s a rustling on his end of the call that reminds Louis that Zayn was in bed when he called.

“Can we meet up soon?” Louis asks hopefully. “Hang out like we used to?”

“Yeah, sure,” Zayn answers and Louis can hear his smile in the tone of his voice. “I think we’re supposed to be in L.A. at the same time. You wanna try to meet up then?”

“Yeah.” He really does. He’s sick of only seeing Zayn in online articles, looking far too good for Louis’ liking.

“It’s a date,” Zayn chuckles. “Goodnight, Lou.”

“Night, Z,” Louis answers quietly and stays on the line until he hears the eerie silence that means Zayn has hung up.

Louis is absolutely certain that he’s going to get broken all over again but at the prospect of seeing Zayn, he can’t seem to bring himself to care just now.

Stupid forgiving heart.

 

~@~

 

He looks even better than Louis remembers. It hasn’t even been that long and Louis’ memories seem to have already dulled the light in his eyes, watered down the grace with which he moves. It’s true that pictures can never do justice to true beauty because where Louis’ been getting his fix from Tumblr and Zayn’s own Instagram, the reality outshines even the best photograph. Or maybe it’s true what they say, that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Louis’ never really been one to subscribe to what ‘they’ say but this one rings true as he takes in the smile on Zayn’s face when they meet.

He’s got his tongue tucked behind his teeth. It’s a habit that Louis is so familiar with and it brings with it a familiar but often ignored swoop in Louis’ belly.

“You look great, mate,” Zayn says, arms wrapping around Louis’ middle. “Missed you.”

“You, too,” Louis responds, hands finding their way around Zayn’s neck as they hold each other tight for a brief moment before backing away again.

It isn’t awkward the way Louis had feared it would be. They light up in Zayn’s hotel room and catch each other up on what is going on in their lives, cuddled up next to each other on Zayn’s bed. It’s normal, it’s _them_. The only difference is, this time, the heat from Zayn’s limbs pressing against Louis’ drives him up the wall with need. He feels too lazy to move, heavy with smoke and contentment. Even though he knows Zayn doesn’t love him the same way, he’s happy just to have this.

They talk and laugh and Louis feels lighter than he has in _ages_. It’s nice. And Louis isn’t about to ruin it with unwanted declarations.

 

~@~

 

All told, they have about a week to hang out together before Louis and the boys have to move on. Louis is determined to spend as much of it with Zayn as possible. It only grates on his nerves a little that he has to share with the other boys.

Harry doesn’t show up much because he has tons of other friends in L.A. to see as well but Niall and Liam are a near-constant presence. It hurts a little having them all in the same place, but it’s a good hurt. Like they can come back from their past mistakes and get it right this time. Not as a band, Louis knows better than to hope for that. But, maybe, as friends.

Their second to last night in L.A. Louis leaves Zayn’s hotel early, letting Liam have Zayn to himself for the evening. He knows how badly he wants to hang out with Zayn, just the two of them, so he figures that Liam would probably like some time to himself as well.

As a result, Liam makes sure that Louis has the last day with Zayn to himself. It hadn’t been Louis’ intention to keep the others away but he is undeniably grateful.

With one night left, they decide to get smashed and cause some trouble. Louis had forgotten how good Zayn was at keeping up with him. After a night of drunken debauchery, they collapse onto the bed in Zayn’s hotel room, laughter chasing them down.

“That was great,” Louis says with a grin that fades as he remembers the circumstances of their situation, that their time is almost up. “I’m gonna miss this.”

Zayn turns his head to look at Louis fondly. “Me too.”

Louis gazes back, smiling at the familiar expression on Zayn’s face. “Love you, Z.”

“I know,” Zayn smiles, tongue tucked behind his teeth as Louis smacks him round the head with a pillow.

Louis hits him again and Zayn easily pulls the pillow from his drunken grip.

“Reckon I love you, too,” Zayn says before bopping Louis with the purloined pillow.

“You’re gonna pay for that,” Louis promises with an impish grin before he launches himself at Zayn.

They wrestle around, falling off the bed and rolling on the floor, giggling as they each struggle to get the upper hand.

Zayn ends up pinning Louis to the floor, grinning over him in triumph. “Gotcha.”

Louis could say he doesn’t know why he does it, but that would be a lie. Zayn is right there and Louis is desperate not to lose him, so he does the one thing that could ensure he does. He surges up and kisses him. His lips begging without words to be wanted.

Zayn pulls back immediately, shocked.

Louis knows he’s made a mistake. He closes his eyes so he doesn’t have to see the revulsion or pity or _whatever_ in Zayn’s gaze. “Please,” he whispers, pleading for a swift rejection, a clean break that will be easier for his heart to mend from.

“Lou?” Zayn sounds confused. “What—”

Louis doesn’t give him a chance to say anything else before he’s pushing Zayn off of him, attempting to run.

Zayn grasps his ankle from where he’s still sprawled on the floor, holds tight so Louis can’t get away.

“Louis, _talk_ to me,” Zayn commands. “This has always been an issue for both of us, Louis. We run from our problems instead of facing them. Just… I need you to not run from this one. Don’t do what I did. Stay.”

Louis sighs, resigned to his fate and moves to sit next to Zayn on the floor, back pressed against the side of the bed. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“It’s fine, Louis. I just want to know why you did,” Zayn says, thumb caressing the ankle he’s still holding.

“Why do you _think_?” Louis snaps.

Zayn shrugs. “I don’t know, Lou. Sometimes people do things like that in a misguided attempt to stay close to people they’re afraid are drifting away. I mean, it fits our situation. Is that… Is that why?”

Louis shakes his head with a rueful laugh. “I’m not afraid of you drifting away, Zayn. I’m afraid of you walking away. Because you already have. I already know how horrible it feels to lose you and I’m afraid of feeling this way for the rest of my life. I’m afraid I’m in love with you and I’ve already lost any chance I might have had. And I’m afraid that now that you know, all you’ll ever do is walk away from me.”

“I’m sorry, Louis,” Zayn says letting go of Louis’ ankle and reaching to caress his cheek instead, wonder sparkling in his eyes. “I’m so sorry, for everything. But this, right now, tonight, will never be something that I regret.”

Louis isn’t sure what to make of Zayn’s words, doesn’t dare hope… until Zayn’s lips seek out his. He closes his eyes, memorizing the feel of Zayn’s kiss. His tongue darts out, seeking his taste as well. Louis is greedy, he wants it all.

When Zayn pulls away, he’s wearing that smile that Louis loves. “Partners in crime, right?”

“Partners in crime,” Louis agrees.

“For life,” Zayn adds, taking Louis’ hand in his.

To the stupid, hopeful heart beating in Louis’ chest, it feels like a promise.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope this was worth your time. :)


End file.
